I was just thinking ... a series of observations
by Kellie Morin




Part 1: Corporate America: Greetings & Salutations

Corporate America. I’ve been unwillingly encased within its shriek-inducing confines for approximately 14 years. (Fourteen years, 8 months, 6 days and 3 hours to be exact, but who’s counting?) It’s an odd little world with its very own rules, attributes, and idiosyncrasies. I think about them frequently. I’m intrigued by them occasionally. I’m plagued by them always. In the first part of my Observations series, I’d like to spend some time, and several articles, discussing corporate America and its never-ending supply of rampant foolishness. Given today’s average life span, no one writer could possibly live long enough to cover it all, but I’ll do my best. Perhaps sharing some of these issues with you will make me feel better, though I doubt it.

Since some topics require a vast amount of discussion, there may be articles where only one is covered. This one will be the first example of that. To begin, I’d like to discuss greetings and salutations and the various elements, situations, and suggested behaviors involved. So here goes…

Greetings & Salutations – The Parking Lot

It can start the moment you step from your car in the parking lot. If you are experiencing an “acute awareness” day, you might avoid it, but most days I’m not. I pull into the parking lot, which in a company this size resembles a veritable sea of metal. Yet without fail, I manage to unwittingly get sucked into the vortex of “synchronized parking” with some random person I only marginally know. And being that I can’t seem to haul my prone form out of bed on time in the morning, I’m also parked 6.5 miles from the building. I now have to walk this entire distance in the company of someone to whom I have nothing to say. I suppose I could hail a cab, but there aren’t any around and I’d just end up having to share it with them anyway.

The issue is only compounded by the fact that I am not, nor have I ever been, a morning person. Had I been “on,” I could’ve pretended to search out some phantom item from under the seat. I could’ve whipped my cell phone out and acted as though I was heavily involved in a critical conversation until they were safely on their way into the building. But no. I wasn’t paying attention. And let me tell you, once your foot hits the pavement, you’re committed. There’s no turning back, so don’t even think about it. The open car door transforms itself into some kind of hideous magnet that draws the offender over to stand by your car and wait for you to be “ready to walk in.” Oh, and don’t even think about lingering in your car. Not only will they still wait, but this action could also cause the conversation to begin before you even get out of the car…and that’s not good.

Greetings & Salutations – The Elevator

If you have the misfortune of being one of two occupants, chances are you’re going to be spoken to. There are several aspects of this that can cause you discomfort. Aside from the obvious, which is the fact that you don’t want to be spoken to, there’s the fact that elevator rides in general consist of a limited span of time. Depending on the intelligence level of your co-occupant, this could make for the “fractured conversation” issue. You reach your floor, they’re still talking as you step from the elevator, and as the doors close, you see them center themselves so as to be seen and heard for as long as possible before the doors finish closing. Not a good way to start your day. If there are 3 or more people, your only responsibility is to stare silently at one of the following: the lighted floor numbers, the ceiling, or the floor, (or if you’ve thought ahead, the blank but important-looking papers you’re currently holding). Be careful to pick one that is not currently in use by one of your fellow riders or you could chance eye contact. This will lead to conversation and should be avoided at all costs.

The worst possible elevator scenario is one that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. This is when you are on a crowded elevator filled with strangers and notice one person that you vaguely know. And without fail, it always turns out to be a member of the “Loud Stupid Comment Makers Society.” They of course are on the other side of the elevator and will now proceed to bellow at you across the heads of the clearly annoyed and somewhat appalled Elevator Rule Followers standing between you. At this point, all eyes will snap toward you glowering at you as though it’s your fault this infraction has occurred. Note: Attempting to ignore the offender will result in their stating your name to get your attention. Also not a good thing since, at this point, you’re desperately scrambling to hang onto a shred of the anonymity you possessed upon entering the elevator. Usually, the aggravation of this uninvited social assault is compounded by the fact that its content is in fact always stupid. The following are examples:

“Thank God it’s Friday, huh?”
“I can’t believe it’s only Tuesday.”
“Doesn’t today feel like Friday?”

OK. We all hate Monday – Friday and love Saturday and Sunday. Just shut up.

Greetings & Salutations – The Hallway

Now here I’m ambiguous. If I get snubbed, I’m annoyed. But I’m equally annoyed by the Chronic Greeter. I’ve actually been known to stare menacingly at the Chronic Greeter as he/she passes literally daring them to have the unmitigated gall to say hi to me yet again. One hello a day, people. That solves both issues. Pretty simple…so let’s work together on this, ok? In subsequent encounters, you may either employ the slight smile or simply avoid eye contact altogether. You’ve already done your part. No guilt.

Greetings & Salutations – The Bathroom

The same rules apply here. If you encounter someone you have yet to cross paths with that day, and do not blatantly loathe them, it’s ok to breeze past with a quick hello. It is NOT, however, ok to linger, or cause another to linger, in the bathroom for an extended conversation. Not only is this not ok with the person you’ve trapped, it’s also FAR from ok with the other bathroom occupants, for varying reasons (see upcoming article devoted solely to Bathroom Etiquette). Also unacceptable is the “stall-to-sink” or “stall-to-stall” shout. Once the stall door closes, all speaking should cease. In fact as I mentioned earlier, bathroom chat should really never extend beyond the brisk hello. If you’ve brazenly decided to disregard these boundaries, it is then your responsibility to make sure that all subsequent chatter fits neatly within the space allotted prior to one or both stall doors closing. Do what you want…but don’t blame me when people start referring to you as Uncool Bathroom Chatting Person behind your back.

Well, that pretty much covers this topic as far as my experiences go. Feel free to email me with your own experiences and perhaps I’ll do a Part II on this topic.

Previous Articles in this series

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About the Author;
Kellie Morin is a professional freelance writer from central Massachusetts who loves her family and life. You'll enjoy her heartfelt style and edgy humor. Kellie can be reached at Kellie@boomerjournals.com