I was just thinking ... a series of observations
by Kellie Morin




Part 1: Corporate America-Bathroom Etiquette

Ok, I know it’s a tough topic, but I promise I won’t go anywhere unsavory with it. In this particular article, I’ll be dealing with the logistics of my particular bathroom at work, so it won’t necessarily pertain to your exact situation. However, in most bathrooms, it’s safe to say the most of the same rules apply. And I’m not even going to attempt to speak for the men. How could I? I’ve never been one.

This article will be presented in outline format as I find it to be the easiest way to tackle this topic. The following is a general list of offenses/offenders and the various tortures they impose upon those of us who know how to properly function within the walls of a lavatory. It’s important to know that in my particular situation, we’re dealing with 5 regular stalls and one handicapped.

1)The Close Staller - This is when I am first to enter the bathroom and appropriately choose stall #2 (being that, as I mentioned earlier, I know what I’m doing). The next person to enter is then supposed to choose stall #4, but instead slams themselves into #1. This is inappropriate for the following reasons:

a)Whenever possible, there should ALWAYS be at least one empty stall between bathroom participants.
b)Stall #1 in general should really NEVER be used unless all other stalls are occupied (and even then it’s worth waiting) because the gap in the side near the sinks basically allows hand washers (see #3) to see your entire fatass in all its glory. And try as they might not to, they will be forced to look. They can’t help it. It’s the inherent “Rubberneck” in them. The same phenomenon that causes you to gape when someone’s been pulled over by the police, or when someone’s ugly boyfriend is hanging out of his swimsuit at West Hill Dam in 1986 {shudder}.

2)The Shameless – Without going into too much detail, this is when the other person in the bathroom does something that is audibly unacceptable. A truly rare occurrence as there really is nothing more frowned upon in the general realm of “Ladies Rooms.” In my instance, it was a particularly egregious act because:

a)The person was fully aware of my presence and thus flagrant in their misconduct because
b)They were also a Close Staller (see #1)
c)I am a person of little or no self-control in these situations. I must laugh out loud…I have no choice. So now I’m forced to hide in the stall until they leave…which actually works out for both of us, but is basically unfair since I am the victim.

3)The Gross Out – Here we have varying degrees, but generally this involves a non-hand-washing exit. The 3 levels as I see it are as follows:

a)The Unaware: Thinks they’re alone in the bathroom and can get away with it. Gross, but the least insidious of this breed.
b)The Semi Aware: Knows they’re not alone, but thinks it’s worth it to attempt the exit prior to the other person exiting their stall. Risky…and stupid.
c)The Brazen Hussy: Exits their stall and proceeds to waltz brazenly past you (as you wash your own hands) and out the door. The hardcore BH will sometimes even throw in a little “eye contact/smirk” combo as they pass much to the sheer amazement of the victim. Once you’ve identified this breed, avoid eye contact at all costs. (Note: In all 3 cases, it is crucial to take note of the offenders and henceforth avoid all bodily contact with them and anyone who’s ever touched them.)

4)The Uncool Bathroom Chatter – I mentioned this individual in my last article, but will elaborate further here. As I mentioned, it is never acceptable to “corner” someone in the bathroom and force them into conversation. Brisk hello people…brisk hello. If you encounter a UBC, it is considered entirely acceptable to completely ignore them. They should know better anyway. However, if this level of rudeness is not in your genetic makeup, then you may instead employ the slightly less abrasive method of “trailing.” This involves minimal reciprocation of chatter because you respond as you continue toward the door and step from the bathroom.

It’s important to drag your response out until you’ve cleared the threshold and then fill in the end space with conversation-ending, light-hearted chuckling. Keep moving…this particular offender, by their very nature, knows no bounds and may follow you. Note: if you have the misfortune of falling prey to the dreaded sink-to-stall or stall-to-stall variety of UBC (blessedly rare), I would go with the ignore method. They are right out of control and need to learn.

Now, you may think to yourself, “there’s no way to completely avoid germs in the bathroom.” Maybe not. But you can come pretty darn close if you simply follow “Kellie’s Borderline Obsessive Compulsive Public Bathroom Procedures.” The sequence is as follows:

Enter the bathroom. Step into the appropriate stall (see #1). Apply toilet seat cover (if your company does not supply you with these, you need a new job). Flush with foot. Approach sink. Dispense paper towels BEFORE washing hands. Scour hands with scads of soap and flesh-torching hot water for a ridiculously extended period of time as though scrubbing up to perform a quadruple bypass (skip the brush…people will talk). Tear off and use aforementioned paper towels. Utilize said paper towels to open door and exit. Dispose of refuse once safely back at your own desk.

Now see? Not at all difficult. Slightly more time consuming, but considering the huge list of hideous infractions people are capable of, I would say it’s worth the extra effort. Let’s face it, sharing a bathroom with strangers…or with ANYONE really…is not natural. In fact, so much about corporate America is not natural. But we’ll get into that more in subsequent articles. As always, I welcome your comments on this topic.

Previous Articles in this series

Greetings Corporate America

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About the Author;
Kellie Morin is a professional freelance writer from central Massachusetts who loves her family and life. You'll enjoy her heartfelt style and edgy humor. Kellie can be reached at Kellie@boomerjournals.com